I'm proud to say that on most days I'm a pretty optimistic and positive person, enjoying the little things and looking forward to all the awesome experiences life still has in store for me. But there are these other days too. These days when every little tiny thing I try to accomplish seems so incredibly difficult and complicated, I feel like it's ridiculous how I can struggle with the simplest things. On those days I think about giving up on my goals every other minute.
Yesterday was such a day. And today is too, And the rest of the week isn't looking that bright either.
I am always working on several projects at once because as soon as my mind stumbles upon an idea I am passionate about, I have to immidiately work towards making it happen. Well, I already told you that I tend to ask too much of myself, remember?
Two projects I am working on at the moment are both tunring out to be so very much harder than I imagined.
I am planning to organize and realise a creative writing workshop about writing erotic literature at my university. I have the oppurtunity to realise workshops for credit if I also do some theoretical work and write a report about it. But the problem is that noone wants to fund my workshop, I have invited an inspiring and professional author and teacher but I can't afford her salary. It's not that much, honestly, it's ridiculous how much stress I have about such a small amount of money (compared to what my university is spending on other projects).
Apparently my faculty only funds projects which touch a topic which a professor is researching (and of course noone is researching on erotic literature - but why not?). The creative writing institute of my university also doesn't want to fund my project and now I'm trying to find extern sponsors out of the economy. I can't help but think that this wouldn't be such a problem if I was planning a workshop about poetry out of the Middle Ages or some other conventional topic. But erotic literature is still looked upon by scholars as no real literature and they don't even give me the oppurtunity to proove them wrong because they try to stop my project before it really started.
Secondly I was offered the oppurtunity to write a scientific text about love for an anthology. I was so excited that my text will be published but then the editor told me that she already had enough texts out of the field of sociology which is what I graduated in and is basically the only scientific field I know about. A few weeks later the boss of the publishing house which is going to publish the anthology told me that she likes my idea better than some of the texts chosen by the editor and that I should write the text after all.
I wanted to write about a theory I did a presentation on years ago which really impressed me. Unfortunately I don't have my records anymore. So I tried to find the text I was referring to back then but I just can't find it. I searched for hours and hours and it's like it doesn't even exist. It's so depressing. I guess I will have to research other stuff but I know what I want my text to be about, all I need is this article to check the details.
Those are only two things that are stressing me out at the moment. Additionally my new job as a PR person at a publishing house has its most stressful time now. This Friday there's a reading I organize. Next week I will organize and attend two more readings and three evening shows in three different cities. It will be so stressful. But it will also be really cool. I'm really excited and am looking forward to these events. But I also know that I'll be glad when they are over.
Over the last week I've been reading "Geek Girl" by Holly Smale. It's about a girl who is discovered as a model and becomes famous over night. And I can't help but wish that something like this would happen to me. I always wanted to be extraordniary in somthing, so much that people notice and believe in me and make me a star. But the older I get, the more I realize that this won't happen. I am not extremely talented in anything and I am not especially beautiful either. What I realized this week is this: Noone's going to discover me and believe in me and make me a star. I have to discover myself and believe in myself and make myself a star.
Yes, there are lucky people out there for whom things simply happen overnight but most of us have to get our ass up every day and fight for want we want to achieve. And most of the times noone will help you. You're on your own. This just means that I will fight even harder, so that I can proove all these people who didn't believe in my ideas and who didn't want to support me, that I don't need them.