Last weekend I held two events for the publishing house I'm working for. And you know what I realized? I have the coolest job in the world! I have a lot of responsibility for my 24 years, my work involves dancing and music, I hang out with Burlesque dancers who wear the most fabolous clothes on a regular basis and I get paid for reading books. Honestly, sometimes I feel like a 50s movie star because that's how glamorous my work is.
But sometimes I feel like Cinderella before she turned into a beautiful princess, back when she was scrubbing the floor. Because sometimes I do scrub the floor, I clean up after the dancers have lost there clothes on stage, I argue with technicians and journalists, I have to phone a lot (which I hate). And then there's the paranoia, thinking about the million things that could go wrong. There are the dozen things which actually do go wrong. There's the anxiety asking if I'm good enough, self confident enough, smart enough, strong enough. There are all the sleepless nights in which I'm either holding events, preparing for them or worrying about them. All this is part of the showbusiness, too. Sometimes a job which involves glitter and fedoras and ball gowns is not that glamorous after all.
I feel really weird about not knowing if I like my job or not. I mean, shouldn't I be able to tell if I like something or not?