I have just been reading my old blogpost on my previous blog from 2011, which was when I first started dating my boyfriend. It's all about how much I love him and need him and depend on him and how I go totally crazy about it. With my boyfriend it is the first time I found true love and it is so, so overwhelming.
When I look back on my 2011 self, I am proud and extremely relieved that I have changed into a calmer and most importantly happier person. Because back then I had just been dumped and two days later entered a new relationship in which for the first time I was treated well and where I received true kindness and love. No wonder that I couldn't handle it. I didn't even know that something like this existed. So I feared that it would fall apart like every other good thing which happened to me before then.
But it didn't. I'm still with this one special person and I still fall for him every single day.
When I look back on my 2011 self I can't help but think about how obsessive and melodramatic and completly lost I was. And though I definitely still have those times, I'm glad that I don't feel the need to question everything every other day anymore. Because my lover has become my home. We know each other well enough and we trust each other enough, that we finally passed most of the drama and I am so grateful for it. Because the drama is exhausting.
Which doesn't mean that now it's all cudlles and cakes (though there are enough of those, too). Right now my boyfriend is searching for a job which he needs in order to prelong his visa and be able to stay in Germany with me. It's really stressfull. And I realize that not only do I still love him but I also still need him and depend on him and go totally crazy about it.
Because this is love. Love is crazy. Just think about it. You find this one person and when you look at him it's like you can physically feel your heart, when you're with him you feel so alive, so much, that you decide to never, ever let him go. Suddenly your own happiness depends on someone else. Your whole life changes because you want to share it with him. It's ridiciolous.
I love love. It's the best thing that ever happened to me. And I feel confident enough about my relationship not to loose my other interests over it. But I still agree with my 2011 self on the major point. Love is brutal. It's terrifying. But it's also beautiful.